I woke up quite late today, at 11.07 am. haha. I took a shower right after I got up and now here I am writing this. Hmm, I'm actually waiting for a call or text from a friend about our plans to watch 'tentang dia' today. Come on come on where are you? hehehehehe.

Later

Hey...I just realised something... I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't think of him that much anymore. I wake up, and he's not the first thing I think about, and when I go to sleep, I just sleep. I think I'm ready to let him go now.

Maybe in a few days, I can forget him for good?

I'm going to watch 'Tentang Dia' tomorrow with a friend. I'll be going to Melaka on Sunday and then off to KL on Monday.

Hmm..what else what else? I was supposed to go jogging yesterday but it was raining so heavily. :( I picked up mom from work, picked up nana from school, went home, ate, watched TV, had dinner, and then watched TV again, and then went to sleep.
Not a very interesting day but it was okay.

I think that's all for now. It's still early anyway.
Later.

Is it wrong to love someone but feel happy when you're with someone else? It's not that you don't love that person anymore, it's just that there is someone else who cares about you more. Is it wrong to feel like you want to see the other person and talk to him every single hour of the day? The person that you love is never there for you, but there is someone else who cares for you and makes you feel good all the time. So, is it wrong for me to feel this way? I'm not saying I have feelings for the other person, but I just feel happy when I'm around him. I'm still deeply in love with the first person, but nothing I do can make him happy anymore. So, should I stay?

I got this quote someone else's blog:

"What good is a heart if you're not gonna use it....What good is a love if you're not gonna choose it?"

Have you ever had someone you care about so much and then one day you wake up to realise that the person is gone? Well, he/she is still there, but he/she is not the same anymore. When you look at him/her, you don't feel those feelings you used to feel- excitement,loved,appreciated,happy,fun,on top of the world. It's kind of sad you know, you feel like you've lost one part of you.

He/She used to make me happy, he/she used to be the reason for me to smile. I look forward to wake up each day because I know it will be another good day for me because I have him/her. Well, not anymore. I do care for him/her, and still love him/her more than ever, but I hate feeling like he/she doesn't care and doesn't love me like he/she used to. I've been crying a lot, and I hate that too. I hate feeling sad, I hate when he/she hurts my feeling without even realising it. I need the old him/her back. The one who used to be so loving and caring. The one who used to be so excited to see me and spend time with me. He/she is gone now. I can't find that person anymore. Now, when I'm with him/her, I see a different person. I can feel that we no longer agree in a lot of things, and we rarely talk anymore. I can feel that this friendship is going no where, and I'm really scared to lose him/her. I need him/her back. I really do. I miss the old him/her. Hmm. Sometimes I wish I could erase him/her from my life, so that I won't feel sad anymore. It's either I have the old him/her back, or never had him/her at all. Too much memories, it's too painful...can't take it anymore. Sick of crying and feeling miserable...

"A few questions that I need to know, how you could ever hurt me so? I need to know what I've done wrong, and how long it's been going on? Was it that I never paid enough attention? Or did I not give enough affection? Not only will your answers keep me sane, but I'll know never to make the same mistakes again. You can tell me to my face, or even on the phone. You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know. Did I never treat you right? Did I always start the fight? Either way, I'm going out of my mind, all the answers to my question, I have to find..."

*A Picture Of Moi*

There is this girl that I'm really pissed off about. Well, she wrote a bulletin board in friendster and she was like "making fun" of those who want to be a teacher. I don't know what's her problem. She was like "hahahaha padan muka". I personally think that she is jealous that we KNOW what we want to do with our FUTURE and she is still figuring out her life. There is absolutely nothing wrong of wanting to be a teacher. She should really think about what she said and how many feelings she hurt. I wanted to post back what she wrote but I don't want to embarass her. I just want her to know that what she did...was VERY MEAN.

It's like almost 4 am in the morning and I just spent the last 3 hours talking to a friend on the phone. It's kind of nice you know, to have someone to talk to... to that person, thanks yah! you really cheered me up.

Okay, so I had a long day today. (well, yesterday) I went to see "Guess Who" with epul. The movie's very hilarious. I needed some laughs. I guess I picked the right movie today. After that we had lunch at season and then went to Metrojaya because I needed to buy a few things.

I'm kind of tired right now. Maybe I will write more later.
Good night! (or morning)

Oh yeah, I changed the song. Enjoy!

A pen...a piece of paper...300 words...me...hands not moving...can't think...of interesting things to write...need to complete it soon...help

Anyways, I'm not that excited about KMJ. Yes-I will have Hidayah with me there but this is THE FIRST TIME I'm leaving home. I know Tangkak is not that far but still...Home is always the place where I feel safe. I'm going to miss my GREEN ROOM, I'm going to miss MY VERY COMFORTABLE BED, I'm going to miss MY OWN TOILET, will miss the 24-hours of INTERNET CONNECTION, and WEBCAM-ming with FRIENDS in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, going to miss THE TELEPHONE, surely will miss ASTRO and my favourite TV SHOWS. I'm sure going to MUM'S COOKING. I'm going to miss EPUL, we won't be seeing each other that much after this, or maybe not at all? I'm going to miss MY FAMILY... I'm going to miss having Dad around to help me with stuff, will miss talking to Mum from the window of my room while she's ironing clothes, miss fighting with Nana, miss going shopping or jogging with big sis, miss seeing Abg Ipin around the house, miss chatting with Abang in Paris. Ahhh. now I feel like crying. I'm going to miss my life for 17 years at home.

Eh, should I bring Memel with me? Atleast I have a tiny piece of home with me at KMJ...hehehehe.

(In case you are wondering what/who Memel is...)


bye bye bed.

I'm having troubles searching for ideas on what to write lately. I can't think of anything important or meaningful to write.
I'm tired.
There's just so much to do...and so little time.

Hmm...hehe.I posted pictures of my BESTFRIEND and I yesterday, and then deleted the post because I got so many comments from my friends, asking me if we're a couple. Well, NO, we're not. We're bestfriends. So...I guess now that it's all clear, I can post the pictures again. :)



Oh...I was bored yesterday so I made this...

Oh my god, there're just so much to do but so little time and so little $$ to do everything.
I need so many things, but I'm not sure if I have enough $$ to buy everything.
These are just some of the things I need before I register at KMJ : ( My needs, not what KMJ asks me to bring )

1. A new bag to put my school things, which I already found at metrojaya that costs RM179.00.
2. Atleast 3 pairs of new baju kurung.
3. A new pair of jeans which will cost around RM180-RM250
4. Stationary
5. New Outfits. (the kinds that I can wear at KMJ, because I think most of my outfits are not appropriate to wear over there)
6. Shoes. Sandals. (costs around RM30-RM70 each)
7. Make-up. (Not that I will wear it over there)
8. A cool pencil case.

And so many more...I just can't think of everything right now. And I haven't receive my letter from KMJ yet.
I need lots of $$. Fast.

I'm so happy for AMINAH and HIDAYAH. They got an interview from JPA and if they passed the interview, they just might get to study overseas! They're just so lucky!! Aminah also got an interview from Petronas, lucky her! All her hard work paid off after all. I've seen how hard she studied in school, and she deserves to get all this offers! And Hidayah, I'm very happy for you! Good luck for your interview this Tuesday! I'm sure you'll do just fine. Don't worry too much okay? (You should thank me because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even apply for JPA...heheheheee.kidding!) You deserve it! I love you both so much, always praying for the best for both of you!

As for me, I'm still waiting for MARA and BPG. I'm not putting too much hope in it though... My results isn't that good anyway. Still praying and hoping!

friday...friday...friday...
I'm so bored right now, Hidayah just left. We watched "Hide And Seek" together, ate french fries and just talked. After that we played the Sims2. She had to leave early because her bro wants to use the car.
So, I'm alone again. I haven't heard from him yet today. Maybe he's still not back yet. Well, I'm still waiting for his msg :)
I don't know what else to write, I still haven't got any calls from MARA. Still hoping and praying.
I think I'm going to take a nap now, I have to pick up mum at 4.30 p.m.
Later

Forget what I said about not updating! hehe. I love this blog and I love writing my thoughts for people to read.

I'm mummy's driver for a week. I have to send her and pick her up from work for a week. I haven't been driving for a while so I was so nervous on my first day driving mum to work. Hehe. Thank god I arrived home safely! I think my driving is much better now, I'm not that scared anymore. Good for me. Hehe. Since I have a car for a week, I've been going out a lot alone. :) It's kind of fun you know, driving alone, playing my favourite CD and just sing as loud as I want. I think I might go jogging alone this Saturday, or maybe go with my sister and my soon to-be bro in law.

I went to City Square last Monday, with Hidayah and Nor. It was raining so heavily and I'm kind of surprised that I managed to get there after all. The traffic was so bad + the heavy rain. :) We arrived there around 3.15 p.m. I texted Tebu and he was there too with Epul and Cerut. So, we sat at seed cafe for like 10 minutes and then I had to leave because I had to pick up mum at 4.30 p.m.

On Tuesday, I had lunch with Tebu at Singgah Selalu. He picked me up at 2.15 p.m. We talked about some things I can't mention here. I got home around 3.45 p.m, and then I had to pick up mum from work.

On Wednesday, I sent mom to work in the morning, went to Angsana alone in the evening before picking up mom.

And today, I might go to Angsana again. Maybe around 3.00 p.m. I need to buy a few things.

I'm a lot happier now. I might go to KMJ this 16 May. Not sure yet, have to wait for dad to come back from India and ask for his opinion. I rather go to UIA doing English than wasting a year doing accounting at KMJ. But I haven't got any offers from UIA so I guess I have no choice but to register at KMJ. I'm still waiting for BPG. I hope and pray I will get it. ( atleast an interview )
But I don't want to put too much hope in it.

I guess that's all for now.

I will not be updating my blog for a week.yes, the whole week. I need time for myself, I need to take a break. But please keep coming yah.

I wrote a 3 page letter to myself. stupid, i know. but i feel better. hahah

Broken. Shattered. Fragile. Me


Yesterday was long and hard for me. I kept myself busy by spending hours on shael's blog and my blog. But I still couldn't get my problems off my mind. I still think about it constantly. I went jogging with Sis and Abg Ipin yesterday evening. I jogged alone, and my mind was so clear for like 20 minutes. I looked for Sis and Abg Ipin and they were sitting on a bench so I sat on the grass. I just sat there and let my mind drift again. I sat there and I just looked at the beautiful view before me. It was so relaxing. I didn't bring my handphone with me because I didn't want anyone to bother me. When I got back home, I saw a message on my handphone. I was hoping it would be from that person, but it wasn't... I was kind of dissapointed at first. I took a shower, and then received another message. This time it was from that person. So I replied and we continued texting for a couple of hours. I think I only slept for 3 hours last night, I just couldn't sleep... When I sleep, I'd dream of that person, and later when I wake up, I'd be so dissapointed because it was just a dream.

Life's been so hard on me lately.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I worked on Shaela's blog today. Actually, I didn't do much, I used a free blog skin design for her blog since I myself don't really know how to design blogs. My blog was designed by the gorgeous Kak Rod, and I just changed the color here and there. I don't know much about designing and stuff, still learning.

Sis IM'd me and told me Abg Kerel's coming today. Abg Kerel sounded so sad on the phone, I guess he has a lot on his mind. I just hope things will be better for him soon. I might go jogging this evening, I need to clear my mind, I need time to think. I'm so grateful that Abg Ipin and Sis are willing to take me, to keep me busy.

Mom called after she read my last post. She was worried about me. Hehe. I'm actually feeling much better, a lot better. I think I'm okay.

I'm leaving home soon. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm going to miss my family, and friends. I'm going to miss Hidayah. I know there will be no more late night phone calls soon, she won't be able to provide me her shoulders to cry on. Hmm.. I think I'm going to call her. Later. sayang hidayah saya. haha.

I am feeling so much better than yesterday. I guess all I needed was time alone to think. I don't feel depressed that much anymore, and I'm not miserable. I can smile, and it's not fake. I go to sleep, and I dream of good things. I talked to Hidayah, and I didn't cry. I hope things will keep getting better for me.

I'm very depressed right now, that absolutely nothing could cheer me up. I try to hide how I feel with my fake smiles and laughs. I called Hidayah last night, we talked. She listened to me, she told me everything's going to be okay. Hidayah, thank you so much for always being here for me, you are a true friend indeed. Thanks for listening to me in the middle of the night when you should be sleeping. I cried so much last night. Yesterday was very depressing, and today isn't any different. My life is at a point where everything is so wrong and nothing seems right anymore. I sleep most of the time, just to take things out of my mind. I'm at a very fragile state right now. I'm about to give up. I don't know how long I can take this. I just hope and pray that things will be better for me soon. And Hidayah, I still need your shoulders to cry on, so don't go too far. Love you girl.

"...I watched the walls around me crumble, But it's not like I won't build them up again, So here's your last chance for redemption, So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end, And my tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye..."

"...I can't live without you, Can't breathe without you, I'm dreamin' bout you, honestly tell me that its over, 'cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living, It won't be right if we're not in it together, Tell me that it's over, And I'll be the first to go, Don't want to be the last to know..."

"...where are you when I desperately need you?...where are you when my tears are streaming down my cheecks? when I need someone to wipe them off, when I need someone to tell me it's all going to be okay, when I need someone to listen and understand how I feel inside?...where are you right now?...why are you not here with me?..."

"...denting yang berbunyi dari dinding kamarku, sadarkan diriku dari lamunan panjang...tak terasa malam kini semakin larut, ku masih terjaga...sayang kau di mana aku ingin bersama, aku butuh semua untuk tepiskan rindu, mungkinkah kau di sana merasa yang sama, seperti diriku, di malam ini...."

Okay okay, I know the words are a bit too mushy...but I really like this song. The first time I heard it, I cried. (Not that it has anything to do with me) But still the words really touched my heart. It's a sountrack from the movie "Ada Apa Dengan Cinta".

Anyways. I'm at home now. Alone. Feeling kind of low. I need something to cheer me up right now. Turning the music to full blast didn't work, dancing didn't work, TV didn't work, chatting with some friends didn't work. I guess all I need is that someone who always manage to put a smile on my face, but he/she is not here to cheer me up right now.

My sis IM'd me and asked me if I want to go swimming with her tomorrow morning. With Nana and Abg Ipin. Hmm. I had no idea that tomorrow is a holiday. I guess I have to cancel my plans tomorrow since my parents would be at home. I might go swimming.

So what else what else. hmm. Let me see. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to call Nor today, and Hidayah. I need to ask them if our plan to see Mrs.Vee is still on. And then I have to call Mrs.Vee to confirm.

I'm still feeling very low. Someone please help me. I tried calling Hidayah, she didn't pick up the phone. Both house phone and cellphone. Hidayah if you are reading this, please call me back. A.S.A.P!

Another song that is stuck in my head right now is "That's when I love You"-Aslyn. I think this is my favourite song ever. Ever!

"...When you have to look away, When you dont have much to say, That's when I love you, I love you, just that way..."

"...So when you turn to hide your eyes, Cause the movie it made you cry, That's when I love you, I love you a little more each time..."

"...Here's my promise made tonight, You can count on me for life, That's when I love you, When nothing you do can change my mind. The more I learn, The more I love, The more my heart cant get enough, That's when I love you, When I love you no matter what..."

I'm hungry, I think I'm going to eat now. I just reheated last night's tomyam, and there is also last night's ikan bakar leftovers. Later.

Let me describe my day today. (Wednesday, April 6)

I woke up at 6.45 a.m (someone woke me up by texting me and reminded me to do my subuh prayer) So, I woke up, went to the bathroom to wash my face. At 7.00 am, dad knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to go jogging with him at Taman Bunga Istana. I quickly said yes, and got ready. I really need to lose weight and be fit! I have to, I want to. I want to look good and feel great. So my plan is to eat less, excercise more. The last time I went jogging was with my sister last Saturday. I think I'm going to keep this up. I've been on a diet for 3 weeks now and already I feel great. Seriously. I'll be like Kelly Rowland in a few more weeks. hehehehe.

So anyway, after dad and I went jogging, we had breakfast at Sameera, and then we went home. Dad went to work, and I was alone. I was so tired that I fell asleep at the couch for 45 minutes when my friend texted me. I then woke up and took a shower, even though I was still sleepy and tired. I felt a bit refreshed after I showered.

I didn't do anything much after that. I called Hidayah at 1 pm, we talked for an hour or so, gossiping about people. Hehe. After that I had lunch (it was last night's leftover) and then I watched some TV, and fell asleep again on the couch.
Mom and Dad got home from work around 5.30 pm.

I ate dinner a bit late today (I'm not supposed to have dinners according to my diet) but I was so hungry that I ate a little. I wanted to watch American Idol but Dad wanted to watch the news so I went into my room and started reading "Girlfriend In Coma". It was so boring that I took another book to read, by V.C Andrews. I forgot the title and I'm too lazy right now to check. But it was so much better than the first book. After reading a few pages, a friend texted me so I put down the book and texted my friend instead.

I'm going to sleep now. Good Night.

A lot of my friends have got offers from private colleges and such. I'm still waiting. (Well, I didn't apply for any private colleges) I really hope I get offered to study somewhere.

I just found out from my dad that the 80000++ are applying for the same scholarship that I applied for! and they only have like 1500 students to give it to. There's no way mine is going to get accepted! haih. Damn, I want it so bad!

I just would like to say that the reason I put Lindsay Lohan's song is because I like this song, NOT because I'm a fan of her. Thank You.

Hot Sunday-Bored
ChildhoodPictures-Scanned-Enjoy

Part 1


Princess Rasyiqah waiting for her Prince


Jumping on bed, before going to sleep


Somewhere Someplace I can't remember


Family Picture Taken 13 years ago




Part 2
The-Many-Many-Faces-Of-Me
(From-1988-to-2003)


Back in 1988, a year after I was born




Kindergarten Years.


A-Ten-Year-Old-Me


Chubbier Me With Short Hair Back in 2000


Hari Raya Back In 2002


Me with Long Wavy Hair Back in 2002


2003-Short Hair


Year 2002


Field Trip Back In 2002


Year 2002 again

Part 3
Me-Now
(Year 2005)

I tried changing the color of the fonts and now my blog looks too "pinkish" urghhhh. I should've just leave it the way it is.... and now I forgot what the original color that Kak Rodd did for me.

I didn't sleep at all last night...and now I'm tired. I need some sleep!!
I'll be at home all by myself today, and my sis left her car!
yeay!

ta

I was looking at pictures of my highschool years, and I decided to scan them and post it on my blog. I really miss school! So, here are pictures of my class during 5 years of highschool. I studied in SIGS back in 2000-2002 and TIJB in 2003-2004.


~2000~
My first year of highschool was in SIGS. All I did was play and did not studied at all. I remember failing a lot of subjects. But still, it was a fun year for me. I made new friends (and enemies). Can you spot me?


~2001~
This is a picture of my class back in Form 2 (SIGS). I can't remember that much from this year, but I do remember being asked to leave my Bahasa Melayu class for not doing my homework. I really didn't pay much attention to school back then! Oh, and this was the year I met my bestfriends! Hazirah, Adiba, Fairuz, Suraya! We were so close back then!!


~2002~
Form 3. I studied really hard that year, I started taking tuition classes, did a lot of study groups. I improved a lot that year! I didn't expect to get 6A's and 2B's for PMR. This was also my last year in SIGS.


~2003~
My first year at a new school. Sekolah Menengah Teknik JB. At first, I regretted coming to this school, the rules was just too strict...! The first week, all I did was cry, and I wanted to go back to SIGS. But I stayed anyway, and it wasn't that bad after all. I improved so much in this school, I studied more and managed to get good results every month...


~2004~
Form 5! This was the year I started playing around again and did not study at all. It was an important year for me, but I just...didn't care that much about my studies. My grades dropped, my teachers started to worry about me. But I managed to get good results for SPM in the end. I did get quite a few awards that year, eventhough I didn't do as good as I did back when I was in form 4.


A picture of my school's English Language Society. I was the vice treasurer.

And lastly...

I found this birthday card that someone gave me last year. I still keep it! (I love the dotted heart on my "I")

I woke up this morning with a smile, and I know today is going to be another great day! I love my life right now, everything just feels right. I can't wait to start my classes again this July (If I get accepted anywhere)I miss learning, I miss school! I know I'll be leaving home soon, and I'm going to leave my friends and family here, but I think it's going to be okay. I've never left home before my whole life, so this is going to be a hard experience for me.

Here are the lyrics of the song Secret Garden!

She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mind
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides

She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice

You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away