I almost cried listening to Anna Nalick's "Breathe" :

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

LIFE IS LIKE AN HOURGLASS, GLUED TO THE TABLE

How I wish I could undo my mistakes, go back to the past, relive it without regrets.

I took a walk back to my past, yesterday, two days ago, a year ago, 5 years, and back to when I was a child. Things were much simpler and easier then. I did not have to deal with the real world, I had my family to take care of my problems. When I was 4, if I had a tummy-ache, mum would rub some kind of magic oil on my tummy to make it better. At night, if I was having nightmares, all I need to do was scream my lungs out until mum or dad came to rescue me. Now that I am 18, I have to learn to take care of myself. I have to face my problems alone, and this time, the problems are bigger than tummy-ache's.

I find myself breaking down more often lately. I cry a lot, and most of the time, I don't even know why. I am supposed to be strong, but I am not. I am scared of my future, what if I do not make it? What if I let everyone down? I hate to think of the what-if's.

This year is the toughest year for me. No kidding. I wish I could put aside all my current problems and finish this year first. I wish there is an easy way to tell someone that we should focus on what's important first, but there isn't. I cannot just run away from everything, it will only make it worse.

What I really want right now is my mom. I want her to tell me things are going to be okay.

i'm not in a good mood right now. something to do with someone. but i'm not going to write it here.

anyway, dayah came to my house today. we had a great time, catching up and stuff. it was fun. :) i miss her already.

i haven't started on my homework yet. i'll do it tonight.

i feel tired, emotionally. shael would understand what i'm trying to say. i feel like going somewhere far (really far) away from everyone. i know that running away from my problems won't solve anything, but right now it feels and seems like the only right thing to do. if i had $$$, i bet i'd already go somewhere far.

now i know what guys do when they are bored.haha.

It's 10.30 am, and I'm in the mood to do online quizes.

Your Stipper Song Is

Toxic by Britney Spears "With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under" You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

muahhahaha...

okay, another one...

He Loves You For You

When it comes to your body, your guy hardly notices It's nothing to do with the way you look... He's just has really fallen for you But make sure to stay sexy - keep the chemistry going strong!

Does He Only Love You For Your Body?

I'M BACK IN SEREMBAN

got my results...
not that good

I don't know what to write.
later

Your French Name is:

Orane Jean

What's Your French Name?

ACTION!

It may take a while for this video to load.

Title: Solero shot ride
Location: Genting Highlands
Year: 2004?

We were bored...so I asked him to tie my hair.
(sorry it's up side down...hehe)

I AM SO TIRED OF DOING SOCIOLOGY. IT IS NEVER-ENDING. IT WON'T END!

HOMEWORK

Sociology is driving me crazy. hehe. I hope I will finish it on time.
I already gave up doing maths... for now. It's too hard. As for literature, I keep falling asleep reading Mill on the Floss. I hope I won't fall asleep again tonight.
I can't wait for dayah to come home this weekend. :-)

Titles... Wehee!

Thanks to Zaty, I can now have titles for each and every post and all my blog readers can leave their comments after each and every post!

Thanks Zaty, love ya hun!

Next week, you me, DS.

If you don't like me or the things I write, do not waste your time reading my blog.

"I WILL CLIMB MOUNTAINS FOR YOU..."

If you are a loyal reader of my blog, you should already know that Hidayah is my bestfriend and we are very close and inseparable. So anyway, I called her today and we had another one of those "what's the latest hot gossip" talk. She told me about a guy I know from KMJ who used to like me a lot. She said that the guy is trying to hit on her friend. He sends her text messages everyday, and eventhough she ignored all of them, he is still not giving up. At first, he used a fake identity, saying that he was from Uitm, but today he actually revealed the real him, and yes, it is the SAME guy who did the same thing when he liked me. (I guess he doesn't like me anymore) I had a feeling it was him when Dayah told me about it last week, because of the unique way he writes his messages. He always adds "Huh?" at the end of almost every message. I am writing this not because I have feelings for this guy, but because I want to prove my theory about guys is right. Guys tell you what you want to hear. They will climb mountains for you and you will think, "wow, this guy is the ONE for me". And after you go out with him for 2 months, he leaves you for another girl. It is always the same story.

Do you want to know what this guy used to tell me? (you don't have to read if your answer is no)

Well, first I have to tell you how I knew him. Well, it was like this : One day, I received a message from "this guy" asking if I was from Tijb (my old school) . I didn't bother to reply that text because I didn't think it was important. I received the same message the next day and the next until he practically "forced" me to reply. I then replied saying that I do not like to reply messages from strangers and asked him to introduce himself. After he told me who he is, I smiled because he was sort of in my class. So, we began to get to know each other a bit (I already had a boyfriend at that time) but I thought there was nothing wrong with making a new friend. We started hanging out at the bench by the tennis court. I already knew he has a girlfriend but I didn't tell him about Wan. I knew I was doing something wrong but I did it anyway. When I told this guy that I was quitting KMJ, he told me about his feelings for me, and then I decided to tell him about Wan. He was frustrated and said he would "wait" for me. He even "broke up" with his girlfriend for "me". I told him not to put his hopes up too high because I never promised him anything. After I quitted KMJ, we still kept in touch for a week or so. I think he started to grew bored "waiting" for me. A few months later he got back with his girlfriend. I knew I made the right decision to stay with Wan. The story of how I knew Wan is totally different, Wan never said things like, "I like u so much, I'm going to wait for you". When we were getting no know each other, he didn't have any current girlfriends. We both were single and I didn't feel guilty for going out with him.

Oh, remember the Zack guy? The one I took a walk with at the beach when I was in Langkawi? The one who said "he's in love" after just spending 20 minutes with me? The one who asked me to think about it. The one who said "I'll wait for you because I love you so much". Well, I can bet that he's tired of waiting already. He doesn't send me messages as often as he used to anymore. I think he finally realised that it's hopeless to wait for someone's girlfriend.

So, guys out there, I'm begging you to stop doing this to us! Never ever say things like "I'll wait for you" and blah blah blah. It doesn't work anymore. If you really do like someone, get to know her first, spend your time with her and only tell her things after you are really sure that you will not regret what you say.

You know what I love about Wan? The first time we started getting to know each other, (we were having lunch with another friend) he was paying so much attention to the things I say. The little-not-important things, like my favourite drink, my future plans, the things that shouldn't matter to him if he wasn't interested in me. He listened and he remembered. I was shocked when he bought me two milo canned drinks after we went jogging because I told him a few days before that I was addicted to milo. He also remembered precisely about my thoughts on rich people and stuff. If I had ask the other friend who was with us at that time to repeat whatever I had said, I bet all that can come out from his mouth is .. "ha?". I can also bet that those two guys who told me they were/are in love with me, know absolutely nothing about me.

So, my point is, please try to get to know the other person first, before you tell her things that will make her confuse and stay away from other people's girlfriend/boyfriend.

Thank you.

Now, what do I hope for 2006?

Actually, I only have one important goal that I want to achieve for 2006. I will only find out if I have achieve this goal at the end of 2006. It's very important and it involves my future. If I do not achieve this goal, my whole life will be ruined. I will constantly be reminded of my failure every single day of my life until the day I die. I will hurt the people I love if I do not achieve this. Time and money will be wasted and there is no way to get it back. The damage will be so severe that suicide can happen. (Okay, that one was a bit too far)

What is it, you ask?

I want to get that 15 points and continue my studies overseas, and make everybody proud.

Sounds easy? Well, it's not. Unless I work really hard and spend all my time studying, then maybe it's possible.

And why is it that I say it involves my future?

Because if I fail my Alevel, there is no way that I can continue my studies overseas, and I have no money to pay Mara back all the money they spent. I have no qualifications to do my degree locally, because to do that, you have to go through 1 year of matriculation and get atleast a 2.5 gpa to get accepted into University. Yes, I can still do my Diploma, but that means I'm going to be left behind and all my friends will graduate first. I cannot let that happen.
To make it worse, everyone is going to talk behind my back, and laugh at me. I will be called "the girl who didn't make it" etc etc. That cannot happen to me.
I will dissapoint my parents, my teachers, my friends and also MYSELF. I will not let that happen.

Please pray for my success.

Good Bye 2005, HELLO 2006!

Okay, this is just a post on my 2005 happenings.

January-March 2005
I just finished my SPM so I spent most of my time at home or at driving school. I got my driving licence in March 2005 after taking my JPJ test twice. (I'm just not born to drive)

March-May
Well, my SPM results came out around March I think? I got 6A's, which is just "okay". I was accepted to KMJ. I was also called for two different interviews (same course). My first interview was on 3rd of May and the second one was on the 5th of May. I registered for KMJ and did accounting while waiting for other better offers. Oh, I also met Wan and we went steady in May.

June-July
I got an offer from both Mara and BPG. I decided to go with Mara, so I quitted KMJ to do Tesl in Kolej Mara Seremban instead.
My sister got married. (end of July)
My brother came home for summer.

July-December
My first semester in Kolej Mara Seremban. (Finished)

Not that interesting huh? Well, I never said it was.

Everytime I log into my blogspot account, I will spend a lot of time just to find something smart to talk about. All my past entries are what you can call "rubbish". I've never talked about interesting/important stuff because my head is just empty. I cannot come up with anything good and worth reading. I do not read that much anymore, and I am not up-to-date with what's happening around the world, and my english is getting worse. I used to love writing essays, and I used to keep a diary/journal but not anymore. I have no idea why I stopped writing...

I seriously have to read more (and write more). You know how sometimes you think of a great story in your head that you just have to write in on paper, but when you've gone through all the trouble getting the paper, and finding a pen (with ink), the story just disappear? and sometimes you are half-way writing it and then you get tired and just stop? and you decide to write it another time but you never did. These two situation always happen to me. I'm just too lazy which is not good because i'm supposed to be a future english teacher and if my english does not improve in the next 6 years, well, i feel sorry for my future students. I'm going to be responsible if my future students fail their english.

I always thought my english was good (beyond good) until i went to KMS. I met a lot of friends who speak and write better than me. There are some who are worse than me but that's their problem not mine. I'm very concerned about my english right now. I have improved a tiny bit after mixing with these people (people who speak/write better than me) but it's not enough. I want to be able to write using "big" words, and speak without adding "lah" at the end of every sentence.

It's kind of funny that I'm a Tesl student, but my english is just average. This is so embarassing.

I have to go read a book.
Later

Oh, Happy New Year