I was just thinking about starting a new blog again when I found this old blog of mine! It's been ages since I logged into blogspot so I was quite surprised when I found this. I do notice, however, that all my posts from 2009 to when I decided to stop writing have been deleted. And I think I know the reason I deleted those posts...oh well.
I'm glad I still keep the ones about when I first started my life in Wellington for my undergraduate degree... I have to admit, I felt embarrassed and I cringed when I read back some of the things I wrote... eeek. I think I've grown up a lot since then. A lot of things have changed since 2008.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, who I thought was the one I was going to marry, last year. Things didn't work out between us....It was hard for me at first...but after I calmed down a bit, I realised that this is actually a good thing. If I didn't find out about the cheating, I might be married to him right now and imagine how miserable my life would be if I knew about it after we got married. So yes, I'm thankful and very grateful that I found out about it sooner.
This breakup also made me realise how dependent I am on men. Since I was 18 (when I had my first serious long term relationship), I've always depended on my boyfriend. I refused to drive, so he had to take me anywhere I needed to go. I was very immature, very possessive and quite obsessive. That relationship ended 3 years later, a few weeks after I went to NZ to do my undergraduate degree. Back then, I couldn't understand why he left me, when I've been such a good girlfriend (according to me). I didn't cheat, I've always helped him when he needed help, etc. But now I understand that he actually left me because of my immaturity. I was 21 and I was already forcing him and pushing him to marry me as soon as he could. I was also very suspicious of him, I accused him of cheating when he didn't do anything wrong. So yes, he left me not long after we started our long distance relationship. It was quite smart of him, I have to say, because he knew I could not go back and find him for an explanation.
The first 2 months after the breakup was the hardest. It was my first year of University, and I was far away from home and in Wellington I was also living alone in my studio apartment. Things were really hard. I was still trying to adjust living in a totally new place so the breakup didn't exactly help. I remember crying in the bathroom one day not realising that people outside my room could actually hear my wailing, and the next morning I saw the RA put up a notice telling people to seek for help if they're feeling depressed etc. I really think it was because of my loud cry the night before.
Anyway, I manage to meet someone new and we got into a relationship not long after that. This relationship lasted another 3 years and this is the one that ended last year. I don't think I want to go into details about this one because I don't think he deserves to be written about.
Anyway, my two failed relationship made me realise how much I can achieve in my life that I haven't. Before this, I've always imagined myself being married by 24 and probably have a child by now. But now, I realised that I actually want more than that. I don't just want to be this mediocre English teacher with a BEd TESOL degree. No. I will not settle for that. I know I can achieve more than that. I know I am capable of achieving more than that. I want to at least try to get my Master, and probably my PhD after that if God is willing. I know it's not impossible. I know I can if I give it a try. Yes, I still hope that I will meet the right person and get married someday but since it's not happening right now, why sit and wait? I might as well do something worthwhile with my life. InsyaAllah my Jodoh will come when it's time. For now, I'm on a bigger mission. And I hope I will achieve it.
I think that is all for my "first" post. InsyaAllah will write again soon.