i miss the old us

It's the chasing that I miss. When we were first starting to get to know each other, you were always available. You were the one who always made the effort to text me. It didn't matter if you were with friends etc, you still made sure that you were there. now? Barely. I guess it's probably because you feel so secure, you know I will not go anywhere. Makes me kind of sad you know? Entahlah.
Can we turn back time?

My oh my

I was just thinking about starting a new blog again when I found this old blog of mine! It's been ages since I logged into blogspot so I was quite surprised when I found this. I do notice, however, that all my posts from 2009 to when I decided to stop writing have been deleted. And I think I know the reason I deleted those posts...oh well.

I'm glad I still keep the ones about when I first started my life in Wellington for my undergraduate degree... I have to admit, I felt embarrassed and I cringed when I read back some of the things I wrote... eeek. I think I've grown up a lot since then. A lot of things have changed since 2008.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, who I thought was the one I was going to marry, last year. Things didn't work out between us....It was hard for me at first...but after I calmed down a bit, I realised that this is actually a good thing. If I didn't find out about the cheating, I might be married to him right now and imagine how miserable my life would be if I knew about it after we got married. So yes, I'm thankful and very grateful that I found out about it sooner.

This breakup also made me realise how dependent I am on men. Since I was 18 (when I had my first serious long term relationship), I've always depended on my boyfriend. I refused to drive, so he had to take me anywhere I needed to go. I was very immature, very possessive and quite obsessive. That relationship ended 3 years later, a few weeks after I went to NZ to do my undergraduate degree. Back then, I couldn't understand why he left me, when I've been such a good girlfriend (according to me). I didn't cheat, I've always helped him when he needed help, etc. But now I understand that he actually left me because of my immaturity. I was 21 and I was already forcing him and pushing him to marry me as soon as he could. I was also very suspicious of him, I accused him of cheating when he didn't do anything wrong. So yes, he left me not long after we started our long distance relationship. It was quite smart of him, I have to say, because he knew I could not go back and find him for an explanation.

The first 2 months after the breakup was the hardest. It was my first year of University, and I was far away from home and in Wellington I was also living alone in my studio apartment. Things were really hard. I was still trying to adjust living in a totally new place so the breakup didn't exactly help. I remember crying in the bathroom one day not realising that people outside my room could actually hear my wailing, and the next morning I saw the RA put up a notice telling people to seek for help if they're feeling depressed etc. I really think it was because of my loud cry the night before.

Anyway, I manage to meet someone new and we got into a relationship not long after that. This relationship lasted another 3 years and this is the one that ended last year. I don't think I want to go into details about this one because I don't think he deserves to be written about.

Anyway, my two failed relationship made me realise how much I can achieve in my life that I haven't. Before this, I've always imagined myself being married by 24 and probably have a child by now. But now, I realised that I actually want more than that. I don't just want to be this mediocre English teacher with a BEd TESOL degree. No. I will not settle for that. I know I can achieve more than that. I know I am capable of achieving more than that. I want to at least try to get my Master, and probably my PhD after that if God is willing. I know it's not impossible. I know I can if I give it a try. Yes, I still hope that I will meet the right person and get married someday but since it's not happening right now, why sit and wait? I might as well do something worthwhile with my life. InsyaAllah my Jodoh will come when it's time. For now, I'm on a bigger mission. And I hope I will achieve it.

I think that is all for my "first" post. InsyaAllah will write again soon.

Jo, Zaty, Shufaiha...

Hey guys,

I was looking through photos masa kat KMS dulu... Suddenly rasa rindu pulak... We did so many things together back then, we were inseparable... We were happy... Rindu nak pergi T1 on Fridays, shopping dekat Giant, pergi Parkson, petang-petang jogging dengan Jo, rindu nak dinner sama-sama dekat DS. You guys remember tak, we used to have lunch and dinner together almost every day! Rindu nak tunggu dekat meja and then Jo will come and bebai sebab Makcik DS letak kuah on her nasi eventhough she already pointed to the Makcik where the kuah should be. Rindu nak dengar you guys buat lawak "Makcik, nak peha. Haa...nak peha makcik dik?" bila ada lauk ayam kat DS. I think that joke dah direpeat many times oleh Makcik DS and we never got tired of it. Rindu nak order RTKD kat pakcik ampangan...Ingat tak dulu bila Zaty order mesti ada sotong...kene betul-betul remind pakcik tu taknak sotong baru takde sotong. I think it got to the point Zaty tak order bende lain except RTKA/RTKD. Rindu nak pergi Pacific...makan kat A&W...Rindu makan kat cafe sebelah DS bila supper kat DS dah abis tapi perut lapar. Rindu nak pergi Koop after kelas or during recess. Makan nasi lemak or mihun or mee yang makcik jual...kadang-kadang frust sebab dah abis...sangat laku smpai kene booking sometimes. Rindu nak lepak with u guys malam minggu...tengok movie...makan maggie...gossip sessions...masa kat KMS takde wireless dalam bilik...Rindu nak naik KTM pergi Midvalley , pergi Cosmo's world, makan chillie's, shopping kasut for graduation...Rindu bersesak-sesak dalam KTM with u guys sebab nak kejar masa before 7 nak sampai college. Rindu nak makan Windmill ngan u guys...remember how we asked permission from Ustaz to keluar malam? Kelakar betul. Rindu nak buat laundry kat dobi bawah tu... pagi-pagi dah hanta baju sebab nak siap cepat... Rindu nak breakfast dengan Jo... we used to have breakfast together everyday (kecuali ada sebab sebab tertentu). Rindu gelak-gelak dengan u guys...Oh ye, one of the best memories is masa Jo couldn't take it anymore that jiran sebelah slalu bakar sampah, lepas tu she amik fire hose and tried to padamkan api! Siap gaduh-gaduh with the maid lagi. Hmm. Lepas tu pernah buat banner sama-sama masa Minggu Palestine... buat dekat tingkat atas sekali sebab kat situ takde orang. It was really fun kalau fikir balik...lepas tu kene cuci sebab lantai kene cat... Rindu discuss pasal homework together... Rindu our fights...

Rindu jugak masa pergi trip to each other's hometown. Rindu Langkawi...Merbok.

I just miss us... the old us.
It makes me sad thinking how much we've changed.

I miss you guys a lot : Jo, Zaty, Shufaiha. My girls. ...

Yay!

Yay! Dah dapat baju raya. Hehe. Thanks Mak and Ayah.
Yay muat!

I can start digging now...

This is what's coming out for my take home exam:

For the take-home exam you will need to discuss media coverage of either the New Zealand elections, or the US presidential election. The NZ election can take place no later than Nov 15, and some of the major news organisations have begun packaging their political news as "election coverage". You can find blogs, archived footage, political analysis, and other media coverage at the following sites (this list will be updated regularly):

One News
3 News
New Zealand Herald

I'm dead. There is no way I can do this paper. It's just too hard for me. Can I just go to sleep? Please? I'm not interested in any of this. I want to go back to English literature... I want to go back to last semester. I want to read The Big Sleep over and over again, I want to know what happened in Northanger Abbey, I want to fall in love with Simon Gascoyne...

I just want to go home.
and sleep

and sleep
and sleep

This may gross you out.

I had this gagging problem back in college. I would gag (but nothing comes out) if I was nervous or uneasy. I would gag before exams or presentations, or if I was worried about something. It got really annoying and sometimes embarrassing especially when I gagged in front of people I just met. My close friends are used to it so they didn't mind as much (I think). I didn't know how to make it stop, I couldn't control it. Anyway, when I came here, the gagging stopped. I don't remember exactly when it stopped but I don't remember gagging so often anymore. I thought it went away for good when I realized I didn't gag before the show on Asian Night and Malaysian Night (which used to be a huge reason to gag). Yesterday, out of the sudden, I started gagging again. It wouldn't stop, and it scares me.

Could be because I have 5 weeks left here and tonnes of work to do
Could be because I haven't had enough rest
Could be because...

I hope I won't gag today.

I need to go to the market.
Later.

There are three sides to every story?

Read this : The McD Irony, this: McDonald Sundae poser debunked and this: if I could defend myself a bit

What do you think?

Personally, I just choose not to eat it at all. Regardless if it is halal or not. But that's just me. I think Zaty did the right thing by telling us what she heard, even if she didn't really investigate it. Besides, when she told us, it was also because she was telling us about the day she had, like any other normal conversations that we have. She didn't mean any harm. :)

Yay!!!

1. My Gossip Girl nights are back! The first episode of the second season is already out! I miss my Chuck Bass!

2. I found the DVD that I've been looking for for ages on trademe! But I have to be an authenticated member in order to buy it. I'll probably do it tomorrow! I'm getting the DVD as my birthday present :p Yay!

Tak faham betul lah...

Tak faham betul lah. Why do people have to be so mean sometimes? Kenapa tak boleh tak sakitkan hati orang? Seronok sangat ke sakitkan hati orang? They find joy in hurting other people's feelings kot. Lagi satu tak faham, kenapa aku makin malas? Kenapa tak serajin first sem dulu? Kenapa suka tangguh kerja lately? Tak faham betul lah, kenapa student accommodation mahal sangat? Kiteorang ni students, harapkan scholarship atau kerja... Kenapa nak seksa students? Kalau tempat tu elok takpe jugak, ni macam-macam masalah. Bocor lah, siling jatuh lah, tapi harga tetap mahal. Tak faham betul lah...

They say,

"Persevere and you will succeed"

I don't know how much longer I can persevere. I'm not even sure if it is worth persevering for.

---

Religion

Hari ni agak menakutkan jugak la kan. Baru second day puasa dah kene duga. I was sitting at the brigde alone after tutorial trying to read my media textbook when two Korean girls came and ask if they can sit on the couch. Why not kan? So, I put away the newspapers that were on the couch so that the girls could sit there. That's when it all started.

The first girl asked if I was a student there, what course am I taking bla bla the normal conversation that you have with people you've just met. There was nothing fishy about them at first until they told me that they were from Hamilton and that they came here because they had this Christian group discussion or something like that. Then she started talking about Christianity, the history of it, what they believe in, who Jesus Christ is etc. I just listened because I didn't want to be rude and I believe that we have to respect other people's religion. It was a bit scary because I was alone and I was really uncomfortable when they kept trying to convince me to believe in Jesus Christ (as God). After about 15 minutes of preaching, the girl said, "Let's all say together Jesus Christ's name". I told her I can't because I believe in Allah and Muhammad as my prophet. She then said that it's OK because the Lord (Jesus Christ) tak memilih who can and who can't pray to him. She was very persistent and I was starting to get really really uncomfortable. In the end she gave up trying to get me to pray to Jesus and said that I can always come to their Christian group discussion every Wednesday or maybe we could have lunch together and talk about it (Christianity). I said thank you and just smiled and off they went.

Okay, first of all, I respect all religions. However, what happened today was really uncomfortable for me. I'm not trying to be disrespectful to them or their God but asking me to pray to their God right there right then was really unexpected. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I know they are just trying to get people to follow their path because they believe it is the right one, tapi I don't think after 15 minutes of preaching, people can just accept smua kan? Terkejut lah orang.

Things that she said that got me a bit confused:

• All religions are man-made. In the bible God never said you can't do this you can't do that, tu humans yang cakap. All God said was to believe in him and you will go to heaven.
  
• God transformed himself as human in the form of Jesus Christ. And then she said how Jesus prays to God. I asked her, if Jesus is God, then why does he need to pray? And then she said something about there is this other God in the heavens. I guess she was referring to Tuhan Bapa. But before that she said people selalu silap ingat ada Tuhan Bapa and then Jesus anak Tuhan. She said Jesus is God, dia tukar jadi human so that he can get the people to believe. You know, like if we see something, lebih senang nak believe? I was already confused so I didn't ask further.
• She also gave the analogy of a glove. Orang cipta glove sebab ada tangan nak masukkan dalam glove tu. God cipta manusia so that later dia boleh transform jadi manusia juga (Jesus Christ) and bring the people to the right path. If he didn't create manusia then dia tak boleh nak bawak people to the right path. (Ok, at this point I was really really confused).
• I asked her what is the opposite of sin. She said there is no opposite of sin. They believe that if you pray to Jesus Christ then you will be saved.
  

Ada a few more things that she said that got me a confused but I forgot most of it so I can't write it here. Nanti salah cerita.

"Aku naik saksi bahawa tiada tuhan yang disembah melainkan Allah, dan aku naik saksi bahawa Nabi Muhammad itu pesuruh Allah"

In their shoes

Lals101 lecture today was really interesting. The topic of today's lecture was "Can you tell the difference between sign and mime?". What is different about today's lecture than any other previous lectures that we had for Lals101 is that the lecturer is deaf and used sign language to give his lecture. There was an interpreter, of course, who explained what he was saying. It's really interesting listening to the interpreter explaining what the lecturer was saying because it really sounded like a normal language, with intonation and all. We learned how to sign a couple of basic words and made a sentence out of it. Sign language is really harder than I thought because it does not just use your hands, but also your eyes, lips, body movements etc. And for the first time, I know what it feels like to be in their shoes. I know what it feels like having to listen properly to the interpreter so that I don't miss anything the lecturer said, and I know how it feels like to feel a little bit left out. Today's class was really cool, and I'm really looking forward to the next one! The same lecturer will be giving the lecture! Yay!

Malam Malaysia

I had a blast last night! Yes, the Chinese dance was a bit terabur (sorry iynas, yuyu, nida, najwa, deli, yi chin) because the stage was too small and I screwed up most of my steps, but it was fun nevertheless. I love my dance girls. The food was way better than Westpac! The people were awesome! I even won a lucky draw! and I was on stage with the rest of the committee to sing Jalur gemilang and this other song that I can't remember the title right now (even though I'm not really in the commitee, I was just the usherer for that night :P) I think last night was worth my $50! Yay!

(Thank you Alex for doing my hair!)

7 months in Education House and I've been...

February: Followed by some guy who looked really suspicious up to level 6 and then he disappeared. I ran straight to my room and locked my door, called the management and a few minutes later they showed up with 2 police officers. They said the guy used to cause a lot of trouble and it was the right thing to call them.

Feb-March?: Zaty called and told me about the person who committed suicide on the stairs of Edu House during the summer. I wasn't prepared for it. Haha. I couldn't sleep for 2 nights.

March?: Stucked in the elevator. I was on the 6th floor and wanted to go down but the lift went up instead and just stopped. It was weird because Edu house only has 6 floors. Jo came and rescued me. She opened the door from the outside and let me out. Thanks!

July: My smoke alarm went off without any reasons. I had to take it down and was without any smoke alarm for 2 weeks.

August: Rearranged my room. I feel happier now. I should have done it earlier.

Can't remember exactly when but: The fire alarm went off around 1 a.m and it was raining and everyone thought it was just a drill but it wasn't. There was no fire though, there was just something wrong with the circuit I think. I can't remember.

Croissants yum!

Konon-konon nak ban myself from having any chocolates for the next four weeks, but this morning I went down to the foyer and got myself a twin pack of snickers from the vending machine. Tak tahan cabaran langsung. I wasn't even hungry or craving for any chocolates, but I ate it anyway. I also went to NW metro this morning because I felt like having croissants for breakfast and I like the ones from NW. I could have just bought one, but I bought three instead, and a bunch of other stuff that I think I need.

I think it's because of the approaching Ramadhan. I want to eat everything I can while I still can. Entah. Or maybe sebab mengada-ngada. Or sebab stress.

Mom is sending me my baju raya soon and she already pesan not to gain weight takut tak muat baju.

Malaysian night is tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm excited about it or not. Maybe because I don't have anything new to wear. I'm going to look so plain tomorrow!

I really need to start doing my powerpoint presentation. So far, I've only done the title. Haha

Later.

Because I made the stupid decision to stuff myself with fried chicken and chips in the middle of the night, I shall punish myself by banning myself from having any chocolates for the next 4 weeks.

I called Hidayah last night. I really miss her, it's been a while since we talked like that. I remembered back then we used to call each other every single day, sometimes just to say what we were doing.

Thanks dear.
Love you loads!

I've been tagged!

Instructions:
Remove 1 question from below and add in a personal question, make it a total of 20 questions.
Then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post.
Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. What is your favourite song right now?
~ Love you till the end- The Pogues

2. What is your most favorite thing to do?
~ Sleep.

3. What kind of news do you read?
~ the everyday kind...

4. What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
~ my pencil (I have no idea why)

5. Is there someone in your heart right now?
~ yes

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
~ No..not really.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
~ my loved ones

8. What do you feel like doing right now?
~ I feel like filling my tummy with food.

9. If there’s someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
~ Yes

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
~ Su. cantik. a loyal friend. sweet

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
~ I don't have "requirements" kot. It's good enough if dia baik, loves me, and pengetahuan agama pun ada and actually practice it so that he can bimbing me too.

12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
~ umm?

13. What are the characteristics of your dream job?
~ I think being a teacher is my dream job. :)

14. If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
~ chicken rendang

15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
~ this is hard. happy i guess

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
~ i think i'm too nice sometimes

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
~ my close friends...

18. How do you see yourself in 10 years’ time?
~ married with kids

19. What is the one thing you love about yourself?
~ i'm always punctual.

20. If you have the chance to own a superpower what would it be?
~ I want to be able to complete all my work in one day and get good grades for it.

The people i would like to tag is:

Zaty, Jo, Shael, Shanis, Ms.D, Ms. V and anyone who wants to do this.

"But onward we move; time does not stop to let us figure out what is wrong with us, or to go back and undo damage, it just moves on" -Crawford, V. (2002)

Romeo romeo where art thou romeo?

Romeo and Juliet (the ballet) that I went to see two nights ago with Zaty was quite disappointing. After looking forward to see it for weeks, it didn't meet my expectation at all. There were too many people on stage doing too many different things that I didn't know which one to focus on. I was afraid that if I didn't pay attention to all of them that I wouldn't understand the story. I think the ballet was a bit rough, it wasn't as graceful as I thought it should be. I also wish Romeo had put on tighter pants, that could have helped me stay more alert during the show. I think I dozed off a few times except for the last part of the show, when they made love. Haha! Since it was my first time watching ballet, it was hard for me to figure out what they were trying to say. The costumes were also a bit too much, I think. Oh and the ballet was too long! It went on for 3 hours with 3 fifteen minutes break. I guess I'm not much of a ballet person. I think I prefer musicals, like Puteri Gunung Ledang the musical that I went to see when I was back in college.

Earlier that day, I went out shopping with Alex. We haven't seen each other for quite some time so it was really nice to see her again! It was really fun, we had lunch at Astoria down Lambton Quay (I think that is what the cafe's called) and then went shopping. Alex bought this cool jacket that I think looks really good on her! I would have bought one myself too if only it wasn't so expensive. We also bought a few other things and then we hung out for a bit at my place before she went back around 5 p.m.

Oh and later that night, I went to the common room and Zaty was there with a few other edu people. We were bored so we decided to get our tummy filled and off we went to Hadi Gari at 12 a.m! Peachy and Sarah came with us. Since it was a Saturday night, the town was packed with people. We came back at about 2 a.m and I went straight to bed after that :)