My oh my

I was just thinking about starting a new blog again when I found this old blog of mine! It's been ages since I logged into blogspot so I was quite surprised when I found this. I do notice, however, that all my posts from 2009 to when I decided to stop writing have been deleted. And I think I know the reason I deleted those posts...oh well.

I'm glad I still keep the ones about when I first started my life in Wellington for my undergraduate degree... I have to admit, I felt embarrassed and I cringed when I read back some of the things I wrote... eeek. I think I've grown up a lot since then. A lot of things have changed since 2008.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, who I thought was the one I was going to marry, last year. Things didn't work out between us....It was hard for me at first...but after I calmed down a bit, I realised that this is actually a good thing. If I didn't find out about the cheating, I might be married to him right now and imagine how miserable my life would be if I knew about it after we got married. So yes, I'm thankful and very grateful that I found out about it sooner.

This breakup also made me realise how dependent I am on men. Since I was 18 (when I had my first serious long term relationship), I've always depended on my boyfriend. I refused to drive, so he had to take me anywhere I needed to go. I was very immature, very possessive and quite obsessive. That relationship ended 3 years later, a few weeks after I went to NZ to do my undergraduate degree. Back then, I couldn't understand why he left me, when I've been such a good girlfriend (according to me). I didn't cheat, I've always helped him when he needed help, etc. But now I understand that he actually left me because of my immaturity. I was 21 and I was already forcing him and pushing him to marry me as soon as he could. I was also very suspicious of him, I accused him of cheating when he didn't do anything wrong. So yes, he left me not long after we started our long distance relationship. It was quite smart of him, I have to say, because he knew I could not go back and find him for an explanation.

The first 2 months after the breakup was the hardest. It was my first year of University, and I was far away from home and in Wellington I was also living alone in my studio apartment. Things were really hard. I was still trying to adjust living in a totally new place so the breakup didn't exactly help. I remember crying in the bathroom one day not realising that people outside my room could actually hear my wailing, and the next morning I saw the RA put up a notice telling people to seek for help if they're feeling depressed etc. I really think it was because of my loud cry the night before.

Anyway, I manage to meet someone new and we got into a relationship not long after that. This relationship lasted another 3 years and this is the one that ended last year. I don't think I want to go into details about this one because I don't think he deserves to be written about.

Anyway, my two failed relationship made me realise how much I can achieve in my life that I haven't. Before this, I've always imagined myself being married by 24 and probably have a child by now. But now, I realised that I actually want more than that. I don't just want to be this mediocre English teacher with a BEd TESOL degree. No. I will not settle for that. I know I can achieve more than that. I know I am capable of achieving more than that. I want to at least try to get my Master, and probably my PhD after that if God is willing. I know it's not impossible. I know I can if I give it a try. Yes, I still hope that I will meet the right person and get married someday but since it's not happening right now, why sit and wait? I might as well do something worthwhile with my life. InsyaAllah my Jodoh will come when it's time. For now, I'm on a bigger mission. And I hope I will achieve it.

I think that is all for my "first" post. InsyaAllah will write again soon.

Jo, Zaty, Shufaiha...

Hey guys,

I was looking through photos masa kat KMS dulu... Suddenly rasa rindu pulak... We did so many things together back then, we were inseparable... We were happy... Rindu nak pergi T1 on Fridays, shopping dekat Giant, pergi Parkson, petang-petang jogging dengan Jo, rindu nak dinner sama-sama dekat DS. You guys remember tak, we used to have lunch and dinner together almost every day! Rindu nak tunggu dekat meja and then Jo will come and bebai sebab Makcik DS letak kuah on her nasi eventhough she already pointed to the Makcik where the kuah should be. Rindu nak dengar you guys buat lawak "Makcik, nak peha. Haa...nak peha makcik dik?" bila ada lauk ayam kat DS. I think that joke dah direpeat many times oleh Makcik DS and we never got tired of it. Rindu nak order RTKD kat pakcik ampangan...Ingat tak dulu bila Zaty order mesti ada sotong...kene betul-betul remind pakcik tu taknak sotong baru takde sotong. I think it got to the point Zaty tak order bende lain except RTKA/RTKD. Rindu nak pergi Pacific...makan kat A&W...Rindu makan kat cafe sebelah DS bila supper kat DS dah abis tapi perut lapar. Rindu nak pergi Koop after kelas or during recess. Makan nasi lemak or mihun or mee yang makcik jual...kadang-kadang frust sebab dah abis...sangat laku smpai kene booking sometimes. Rindu nak lepak with u guys malam minggu...tengok movie...makan maggie...gossip sessions...masa kat KMS takde wireless dalam bilik...Rindu nak naik KTM pergi Midvalley , pergi Cosmo's world, makan chillie's, shopping kasut for graduation...Rindu bersesak-sesak dalam KTM with u guys sebab nak kejar masa before 7 nak sampai college. Rindu nak makan Windmill ngan u guys...remember how we asked permission from Ustaz to keluar malam? Kelakar betul. Rindu nak buat laundry kat dobi bawah tu... pagi-pagi dah hanta baju sebab nak siap cepat... Rindu nak breakfast dengan Jo... we used to have breakfast together everyday (kecuali ada sebab sebab tertentu). Rindu gelak-gelak dengan u guys...Oh ye, one of the best memories is masa Jo couldn't take it anymore that jiran sebelah slalu bakar sampah, lepas tu she amik fire hose and tried to padamkan api! Siap gaduh-gaduh with the maid lagi. Hmm. Lepas tu pernah buat banner sama-sama masa Minggu Palestine... buat dekat tingkat atas sekali sebab kat situ takde orang. It was really fun kalau fikir balik...lepas tu kene cuci sebab lantai kene cat... Rindu discuss pasal homework together... Rindu our fights...

Rindu jugak masa pergi trip to each other's hometown. Rindu Langkawi...Merbok.

I just miss us... the old us.
It makes me sad thinking how much we've changed.

I miss you guys a lot : Jo, Zaty, Shufaiha. My girls. ...

Yay!

Yay! Dah dapat baju raya. Hehe. Thanks Mak and Ayah.
Yay muat!

I can start digging now...

This is what's coming out for my take home exam:

For the take-home exam you will need to discuss media coverage of either the New Zealand elections, or the US presidential election. The NZ election can take place no later than Nov 15, and some of the major news organisations have begun packaging their political news as "election coverage". You can find blogs, archived footage, political analysis, and other media coverage at the following sites (this list will be updated regularly):

One News
3 News
New Zealand Herald

I'm dead. There is no way I can do this paper. It's just too hard for me. Can I just go to sleep? Please? I'm not interested in any of this. I want to go back to English literature... I want to go back to last semester. I want to read The Big Sleep over and over again, I want to know what happened in Northanger Abbey, I want to fall in love with Simon Gascoyne...

I just want to go home.
and sleep

and sleep
and sleep

This may gross you out.

I had this gagging problem back in college. I would gag (but nothing comes out) if I was nervous or uneasy. I would gag before exams or presentations, or if I was worried about something. It got really annoying and sometimes embarrassing especially when I gagged in front of people I just met. My close friends are used to it so they didn't mind as much (I think). I didn't know how to make it stop, I couldn't control it. Anyway, when I came here, the gagging stopped. I don't remember exactly when it stopped but I don't remember gagging so often anymore. I thought it went away for good when I realized I didn't gag before the show on Asian Night and Malaysian Night (which used to be a huge reason to gag). Yesterday, out of the sudden, I started gagging again. It wouldn't stop, and it scares me.

Could be because I have 5 weeks left here and tonnes of work to do
Could be because I haven't had enough rest
Could be because...

I hope I won't gag today.

I need to go to the market.
Later.

There are three sides to every story?

Read this : The McD Irony, this: McDonald Sundae poser debunked and this: if I could defend myself a bit

What do you think?

Personally, I just choose not to eat it at all. Regardless if it is halal or not. But that's just me. I think Zaty did the right thing by telling us what she heard, even if she didn't really investigate it. Besides, when she told us, it was also because she was telling us about the day she had, like any other normal conversations that we have. She didn't mean any harm. :)

Yay!!!

1. My Gossip Girl nights are back! The first episode of the second season is already out! I miss my Chuck Bass!

2. I found the DVD that I've been looking for for ages on trademe! But I have to be an authenticated member in order to buy it. I'll probably do it tomorrow! I'm getting the DVD as my birthday present :p Yay!

Tak faham betul lah...

Tak faham betul lah. Why do people have to be so mean sometimes? Kenapa tak boleh tak sakitkan hati orang? Seronok sangat ke sakitkan hati orang? They find joy in hurting other people's feelings kot. Lagi satu tak faham, kenapa aku makin malas? Kenapa tak serajin first sem dulu? Kenapa suka tangguh kerja lately? Tak faham betul lah, kenapa student accommodation mahal sangat? Kiteorang ni students, harapkan scholarship atau kerja... Kenapa nak seksa students? Kalau tempat tu elok takpe jugak, ni macam-macam masalah. Bocor lah, siling jatuh lah, tapi harga tetap mahal. Tak faham betul lah...

They say,

"Persevere and you will succeed"

I don't know how much longer I can persevere. I'm not even sure if it is worth persevering for.

---

Religion

Hari ni agak menakutkan jugak la kan. Baru second day puasa dah kene duga. I was sitting at the brigde alone after tutorial trying to read my media textbook when two Korean girls came and ask if they can sit on the couch. Why not kan? So, I put away the newspapers that were on the couch so that the girls could sit there. That's when it all started.

The first girl asked if I was a student there, what course am I taking bla bla the normal conversation that you have with people you've just met. There was nothing fishy about them at first until they told me that they were from Hamilton and that they came here because they had this Christian group discussion or something like that. Then she started talking about Christianity, the history of it, what they believe in, who Jesus Christ is etc. I just listened because I didn't want to be rude and I believe that we have to respect other people's religion. It was a bit scary because I was alone and I was really uncomfortable when they kept trying to convince me to believe in Jesus Christ (as God). After about 15 minutes of preaching, the girl said, "Let's all say together Jesus Christ's name". I told her I can't because I believe in Allah and Muhammad as my prophet. She then said that it's OK because the Lord (Jesus Christ) tak memilih who can and who can't pray to him. She was very persistent and I was starting to get really really uncomfortable. In the end she gave up trying to get me to pray to Jesus and said that I can always come to their Christian group discussion every Wednesday or maybe we could have lunch together and talk about it (Christianity). I said thank you and just smiled and off they went.

Okay, first of all, I respect all religions. However, what happened today was really uncomfortable for me. I'm not trying to be disrespectful to them or their God but asking me to pray to their God right there right then was really unexpected. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I know they are just trying to get people to follow their path because they believe it is the right one, tapi I don't think after 15 minutes of preaching, people can just accept smua kan? Terkejut lah orang.

Things that she said that got me a bit confused:

• All religions are man-made. In the bible God never said you can't do this you can't do that, tu humans yang cakap. All God said was to believe in him and you will go to heaven.
  
• God transformed himself as human in the form of Jesus Christ. And then she said how Jesus prays to God. I asked her, if Jesus is God, then why does he need to pray? And then she said something about there is this other God in the heavens. I guess she was referring to Tuhan Bapa. But before that she said people selalu silap ingat ada Tuhan Bapa and then Jesus anak Tuhan. She said Jesus is God, dia tukar jadi human so that he can get the people to believe. You know, like if we see something, lebih senang nak believe? I was already confused so I didn't ask further.
• She also gave the analogy of a glove. Orang cipta glove sebab ada tangan nak masukkan dalam glove tu. God cipta manusia so that later dia boleh transform jadi manusia juga (Jesus Christ) and bring the people to the right path. If he didn't create manusia then dia tak boleh nak bawak people to the right path. (Ok, at this point I was really really confused).
• I asked her what is the opposite of sin. She said there is no opposite of sin. They believe that if you pray to Jesus Christ then you will be saved.
  

Ada a few more things that she said that got me a confused but I forgot most of it so I can't write it here. Nanti salah cerita.

"Aku naik saksi bahawa tiada tuhan yang disembah melainkan Allah, dan aku naik saksi bahawa Nabi Muhammad itu pesuruh Allah"