I wrote a 3 page letter to myself. stupid, i know. but i feel better. hahah

Broken. Shattered. Fragile. Me


Yesterday was long and hard for me. I kept myself busy by spending hours on shael's blog and my blog. But I still couldn't get my problems off my mind. I still think about it constantly. I went jogging with Sis and Abg Ipin yesterday evening. I jogged alone, and my mind was so clear for like 20 minutes. I looked for Sis and Abg Ipin and they were sitting on a bench so I sat on the grass. I just sat there and let my mind drift again. I sat there and I just looked at the beautiful view before me. It was so relaxing. I didn't bring my handphone with me because I didn't want anyone to bother me. When I got back home, I saw a message on my handphone. I was hoping it would be from that person, but it wasn't... I was kind of dissapointed at first. I took a shower, and then received another message. This time it was from that person. So I replied and we continued texting for a couple of hours. I think I only slept for 3 hours last night, I just couldn't sleep... When I sleep, I'd dream of that person, and later when I wake up, I'd be so dissapointed because it was just a dream.

Life's been so hard on me lately.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I worked on Shaela's blog today. Actually, I didn't do much, I used a free blog skin design for her blog since I myself don't really know how to design blogs. My blog was designed by the gorgeous Kak Rod, and I just changed the color here and there. I don't know much about designing and stuff, still learning.

Sis IM'd me and told me Abg Kerel's coming today. Abg Kerel sounded so sad on the phone, I guess he has a lot on his mind. I just hope things will be better for him soon. I might go jogging this evening, I need to clear my mind, I need time to think. I'm so grateful that Abg Ipin and Sis are willing to take me, to keep me busy.

Mom called after she read my last post. She was worried about me. Hehe. I'm actually feeling much better, a lot better. I think I'm okay.

I'm leaving home soon. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm going to miss my family, and friends. I'm going to miss Hidayah. I know there will be no more late night phone calls soon, she won't be able to provide me her shoulders to cry on. Hmm.. I think I'm going to call her. Later. sayang hidayah saya. haha.

I am feeling so much better than yesterday. I guess all I needed was time alone to think. I don't feel depressed that much anymore, and I'm not miserable. I can smile, and it's not fake. I go to sleep, and I dream of good things. I talked to Hidayah, and I didn't cry. I hope things will keep getting better for me.

I'm very depressed right now, that absolutely nothing could cheer me up. I try to hide how I feel with my fake smiles and laughs. I called Hidayah last night, we talked. She listened to me, she told me everything's going to be okay. Hidayah, thank you so much for always being here for me, you are a true friend indeed. Thanks for listening to me in the middle of the night when you should be sleeping. I cried so much last night. Yesterday was very depressing, and today isn't any different. My life is at a point where everything is so wrong and nothing seems right anymore. I sleep most of the time, just to take things out of my mind. I'm at a very fragile state right now. I'm about to give up. I don't know how long I can take this. I just hope and pray that things will be better for me soon. And Hidayah, I still need your shoulders to cry on, so don't go too far. Love you girl.

"...I watched the walls around me crumble, But it's not like I won't build them up again, So here's your last chance for redemption, So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end, And my tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye..."

"...I can't live without you, Can't breathe without you, I'm dreamin' bout you, honestly tell me that its over, 'cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living, It won't be right if we're not in it together, Tell me that it's over, And I'll be the first to go, Don't want to be the last to know..."

"...where are you when I desperately need you?...where are you when my tears are streaming down my cheecks? when I need someone to wipe them off, when I need someone to tell me it's all going to be okay, when I need someone to listen and understand how I feel inside?...where are you right now?...why are you not here with me?..."

"...denting yang berbunyi dari dinding kamarku, sadarkan diriku dari lamunan panjang...tak terasa malam kini semakin larut, ku masih terjaga...sayang kau di mana aku ingin bersama, aku butuh semua untuk tepiskan rindu, mungkinkah kau di sana merasa yang sama, seperti diriku, di malam ini...."

Okay okay, I know the words are a bit too mushy...but I really like this song. The first time I heard it, I cried. (Not that it has anything to do with me) But still the words really touched my heart. It's a sountrack from the movie "Ada Apa Dengan Cinta".

Anyways. I'm at home now. Alone. Feeling kind of low. I need something to cheer me up right now. Turning the music to full blast didn't work, dancing didn't work, TV didn't work, chatting with some friends didn't work. I guess all I need is that someone who always manage to put a smile on my face, but he/she is not here to cheer me up right now.

My sis IM'd me and asked me if I want to go swimming with her tomorrow morning. With Nana and Abg Ipin. Hmm. I had no idea that tomorrow is a holiday. I guess I have to cancel my plans tomorrow since my parents would be at home. I might go swimming.

So what else what else. hmm. Let me see. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to call Nor today, and Hidayah. I need to ask them if our plan to see Mrs.Vee is still on. And then I have to call Mrs.Vee to confirm.

I'm still feeling very low. Someone please help me. I tried calling Hidayah, she didn't pick up the phone. Both house phone and cellphone. Hidayah if you are reading this, please call me back. A.S.A.P!

Another song that is stuck in my head right now is "That's when I love You"-Aslyn. I think this is my favourite song ever. Ever!

"...When you have to look away, When you dont have much to say, That's when I love you, I love you, just that way..."

"...So when you turn to hide your eyes, Cause the movie it made you cry, That's when I love you, I love you a little more each time..."

"...Here's my promise made tonight, You can count on me for life, That's when I love you, When nothing you do can change my mind. The more I learn, The more I love, The more my heart cant get enough, That's when I love you, When I love you no matter what..."

I'm hungry, I think I'm going to eat now. I just reheated last night's tomyam, and there is also last night's ikan bakar leftovers. Later.