Forget what I said about not updating! hehe. I love this blog and I love writing my thoughts for people to read.

I'm mummy's driver for a week. I have to send her and pick her up from work for a week. I haven't been driving for a while so I was so nervous on my first day driving mum to work. Hehe. Thank god I arrived home safely! I think my driving is much better now, I'm not that scared anymore. Good for me. Hehe. Since I have a car for a week, I've been going out a lot alone. :) It's kind of fun you know, driving alone, playing my favourite CD and just sing as loud as I want. I think I might go jogging alone this Saturday, or maybe go with my sister and my soon to-be bro in law.

I went to City Square last Monday, with Hidayah and Nor. It was raining so heavily and I'm kind of surprised that I managed to get there after all. The traffic was so bad + the heavy rain. :) We arrived there around 3.15 p.m. I texted Tebu and he was there too with Epul and Cerut. So, we sat at seed cafe for like 10 minutes and then I had to leave because I had to pick up mum at 4.30 p.m.

On Tuesday, I had lunch with Tebu at Singgah Selalu. He picked me up at 2.15 p.m. We talked about some things I can't mention here. I got home around 3.45 p.m, and then I had to pick up mum from work.

On Wednesday, I sent mom to work in the morning, went to Angsana alone in the evening before picking up mom.

And today, I might go to Angsana again. Maybe around 3.00 p.m. I need to buy a few things.

I'm a lot happier now. I might go to KMJ this 16 May. Not sure yet, have to wait for dad to come back from India and ask for his opinion. I rather go to UIA doing English than wasting a year doing accounting at KMJ. But I haven't got any offers from UIA so I guess I have no choice but to register at KMJ. I'm still waiting for BPG. I hope and pray I will get it. ( atleast an interview )
But I don't want to put too much hope in it.

I guess that's all for now.

I will not be updating my blog for a week.yes, the whole week. I need time for myself, I need to take a break. But please keep coming yah.

I wrote a 3 page letter to myself. stupid, i know. but i feel better. hahah

Broken. Shattered. Fragile. Me


Yesterday was long and hard for me. I kept myself busy by spending hours on shael's blog and my blog. But I still couldn't get my problems off my mind. I still think about it constantly. I went jogging with Sis and Abg Ipin yesterday evening. I jogged alone, and my mind was so clear for like 20 minutes. I looked for Sis and Abg Ipin and they were sitting on a bench so I sat on the grass. I just sat there and let my mind drift again. I sat there and I just looked at the beautiful view before me. It was so relaxing. I didn't bring my handphone with me because I didn't want anyone to bother me. When I got back home, I saw a message on my handphone. I was hoping it would be from that person, but it wasn't... I was kind of dissapointed at first. I took a shower, and then received another message. This time it was from that person. So I replied and we continued texting for a couple of hours. I think I only slept for 3 hours last night, I just couldn't sleep... When I sleep, I'd dream of that person, and later when I wake up, I'd be so dissapointed because it was just a dream.

Life's been so hard on me lately.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I worked on Shaela's blog today. Actually, I didn't do much, I used a free blog skin design for her blog since I myself don't really know how to design blogs. My blog was designed by the gorgeous Kak Rod, and I just changed the color here and there. I don't know much about designing and stuff, still learning.

Sis IM'd me and told me Abg Kerel's coming today. Abg Kerel sounded so sad on the phone, I guess he has a lot on his mind. I just hope things will be better for him soon. I might go jogging this evening, I need to clear my mind, I need time to think. I'm so grateful that Abg Ipin and Sis are willing to take me, to keep me busy.

Mom called after she read my last post. She was worried about me. Hehe. I'm actually feeling much better, a lot better. I think I'm okay.

I'm leaving home soon. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm going to miss my family, and friends. I'm going to miss Hidayah. I know there will be no more late night phone calls soon, she won't be able to provide me her shoulders to cry on. Hmm.. I think I'm going to call her. Later. sayang hidayah saya. haha.

I am feeling so much better than yesterday. I guess all I needed was time alone to think. I don't feel depressed that much anymore, and I'm not miserable. I can smile, and it's not fake. I go to sleep, and I dream of good things. I talked to Hidayah, and I didn't cry. I hope things will keep getting better for me.

I'm very depressed right now, that absolutely nothing could cheer me up. I try to hide how I feel with my fake smiles and laughs. I called Hidayah last night, we talked. She listened to me, she told me everything's going to be okay. Hidayah, thank you so much for always being here for me, you are a true friend indeed. Thanks for listening to me in the middle of the night when you should be sleeping. I cried so much last night. Yesterday was very depressing, and today isn't any different. My life is at a point where everything is so wrong and nothing seems right anymore. I sleep most of the time, just to take things out of my mind. I'm at a very fragile state right now. I'm about to give up. I don't know how long I can take this. I just hope and pray that things will be better for me soon. And Hidayah, I still need your shoulders to cry on, so don't go too far. Love you girl.

"...I watched the walls around me crumble, But it's not like I won't build them up again, So here's your last chance for redemption, So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end, And my tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye..."

"...I can't live without you, Can't breathe without you, I'm dreamin' bout you, honestly tell me that its over, 'cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living, It won't be right if we're not in it together, Tell me that it's over, And I'll be the first to go, Don't want to be the last to know..."